Survival, Coping with my past in domestic violence part 1

 *TRIGGER WARNING*

 I've talked about it on my Facebook page, and might have added it to my Instagram page, but I've only given snippets. I lived so many years with an abusive ex-girlfriend, to not only have it shape the way I look at myself but the way I live. Honestly, the time I spent in that life with her, I can't even remember how many years of torture I endured. Nearly a decade maybe, seven years, eight years, I can't for the life of me even think of the time I lost. Dating someone who is a narcissistic sociopath, who is abusive and completely self centered, is something you don't know of till you are knee deep into it. (Please be aware that she wasn't seeking care for her mental health.) She was a very charming, silver-tongued devil. She, in all honesty, could literally sell you, your own kidney or some shit along those lines.

I, like many people, did not know what I was getting myself into when we first met. I didn't know this human being was going to be the near death of me. I met her through my ex, and then cover boyfriend, his way of saying get over your ex-girlfriend. She spoiled me, wooed me, said things to me that I have never heard from another person before. Little did I know when this person had me to herself it would become toxic and painful.

When my ex and I broke up because I finally came out the closet, I landed right into her webbing. Her trap. Soon she would spin me up in her web and take me as her prey instead of her partner. It started with small things, she would get jealous of my friends, so I wouldn't hang out with them as much or call them. Then it trickled into the family, I didn't see my mom as often as I wanted. Soon, the verbal abuse began, with emotional onslaughts of my worthlessness, and onto small physical abuse. I got slapped, from slapping it became punches, back hands, kicks, and choking me. It only got worse as time passed, including raping me on a weekly basis and forcing me to sleep with men to prove her dominance. I would give more details but honestly the thought of the details is hard to write about

By the time I realized what was going on, I was deathly terrified to leave and she had already instilled in me that she would hurt my kids and myself if I were to try. She was insistent that I didn't deserve better than her, and I belonged to her, as if she owns me. I became property and she would declare it to me. "YOU ARE MINE." I was to do whatever she wanted even if I didn't like it. Fighting back would only cause me further heartbreak.

She hurt and raped me of my own dignity. I was afraid to even call the cops as she had friends who worked for both the Glendale and Phoenix Police department that she had slept with. By this time, I lost a good amount of friends, I spoke to my mom but only on the phone and when I would drop off my kids to spend time with their nana. Friends that I would make generally would be online friends, (she had very little control of this, because I could access this while she was gone), some friends that were her friends became mine, since they would keep tabs on me. 

I had to go everywhere she went, or stay home by myself. My texts were monitored, phone calls monitored, every day she would check online to see who I was talking to. I did manage to use private browsers to contact people, messaging apps that I would delete. I found my ways to preserve what sanity I had left. Music, video games and online gaming were my closest friends, and even then, she was fairly particular about what I would be able to play, and listen to. She honestly would control everything I was into. The social butterfly who was okay with going places by herself became a recluse.

She liked to play this off and on game with me and our relationship. She would break up with me every time she met a new prospect, sexual prospect, so she technically wouldn't be cheating on me. What a complete mind-fuck, and in this time, these gaps,that I was technically single, she would tell me no one could date me, and if they did, she would either hurt me, or she would make them change their minds about me and have sex with them. This happened quite frequently, just like my daily verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse. "I'm sorry," became such a blanket statement, filled with empty promises of, "I won't ever do that to you again."

Her toxicity was seeping out of my veins, she could set a geiger counter off with the levels of radioactivity. Everyday a new insult. I honestly would try to make sure that all of that abuse was mainly inflicted on me, so my kids didn't have to deal with it. Despite those efforts, she found ways to hurt or control my children. It still hurts knowing the damage she caused them, whenever I had to be gone.

She hated that we couldn't be married legally in Arizona, so she gave me an ultimatum, change my kids names and my name to reflect what she wanted and give up my guardianship of my kids. My heart ached and was torn open when I did both. I wished and prayed the judge would disagree and say no to either. She made sure that I practiced what I was going to say in court each time.Taking someone else's name without marriage and not wanting to, was a whole new level of disgracing my family name. Changing my children's names hurt me to my core, no longer having guardianship sent me into a spiral of depression as well. She truly made me believe that I was an awful mother and shouldn't have guardianship. All of this was absolute shit. Hyphenating my loved and honored name with her piece of shit last name felt like a branding right to the forehead.

There was a point before I started to gain some confidence, I bumped into an old friend from high school. I would say that this may be part of the beginning of finding my freedom from the nightmare. Some time had passed, I was able to keep this friend and in the midst of this make other friendships with her approval of course. Slowly but surely. During this time, we ended up moving to Glendale with her mother. Glendale is the biggest stepping stone towards my escape from abusive Alcatraz. 

She was still fairly abusive despite having her mother around. To be quite frank, she was pretty awful to her as well. Living here, had it's blessings and curses. Some days I think her mom felt bad for me and my kids, not enough to call the cops but she would give us moments of peace away from her. I hated her for a while for not doing anything regarding her behavior, but maybe she was just as fearful. 

During my time there, is when my youngest would go to Preschool, and Elementary school. Once she was in elementary, I became familiar with her school, faculty, staff and volunteers. There was a sweet lady who kept trying to get me to join the volunteers' committee. Took a month of convincing my ex that me being at the school would be good for my daughter. She agreed and I began volunteering. The chains were extended, giving me some room to breathe and be free momentarily. I became friends with many volunteers and the volunteer coordinator. 

They showed me that I wasn't worthless by allowing me to help with so many projects. Meanwhile in abusive-ville, I began to talk back, give attitude, and start hitting back when she would hit me. I started going out with my friends from the volunteer committee, my friend from high school, and slowly reconnecting with others that I lost touch with. I'm learning how to work certain features on social medias that I'm on, so she wouldn't know what I was doing. 

This reminds me of when I would introduce her to friends, she would flirt with them right in front of me and this happened a lot. I lucked out with a lot of the friends I had gained, since they had no interest in her, in fact you could tell they didn't like her much, which gave me such an advantage. Back to the subject at hand.

One day she decided that she was going to yet again break up with me, and I told her that is it. This is the final time that I would allow her to do this to me. (If you're wondering while reading this if I ever loved her. I did love her, I did care about her, and eventually, that no longer existed, only fear existed.) I knew why she was doing this and I was finally brave enough to finally say no more. I even added that I will see whom I want to see, date whom I want to date, and she will not do anything to me. She did remind me that if someone were to try and take me away, she would hurt me, even threaten to take my life. I ended up telling her that I would rather die than be hers.

I was volunteering full time now, my volunteer coordinator would encourage me into going back to school, and to get a job. I spent my time during all these seeing people. Learning to break away from it all. While I looked into schools and looking for work, her claws still deep into my back like a bird of prey. She began looking into the same schools as the ones I would look at, and I convinced her that I should get a job again. I did work once while with her, but that was in the beginning and she didn't like it. Now I know her motivation, so I told her that working would benefit her too. I could pay my debt towards her.

You're probably thinking debt? What debt? Well, during the whole time I'm with her, she literally taxed me. Everything she ever bought for me, gift or not, same with the kids,she would write it all down and add it up. A freaking tally of expenses, of even the things I needed, or the kids needed. I convinced her that if I got any job, I could just pay her back. I did manage to find a job, started working at a jewelry kiosk in the mall, trained at one and ended up transferring to somewhere nearby.

I absolutely loved it! Outside of volunteering, I now had more people that she didn't know about at all. With no connection to her. More friends, more confidants. I worked there, I volunteered, and now I'm read to get myself into school. Thinking about it now, not the best choice of schools, but it certainly helped my way into what I wanted. She picked the same school, similar schedules,so she could still be around me. Yet, I made friendships there that wanted nothing to do with her and this, this certainly pleased my soul. This was the same with volunteering and working. 

I began to frequent gay bars with friends, go out more often, spend more time with my family. I was slowly but surely reconnecting with myself. I was starting to smile again. I went on dates. Well a few.

I remember I went out on a date with this young lady, she met up with me at the house and my ex came out of the house. My heart, oh my poor heart, sank as deep as the darkest ocean. All I could do was worry and hold back tears in fear of what she was going to do. She introduced herself before I could go up to her, she grabbed me by the hand, and forced a kiss on my lips. She didn't have to say anything, I knew what she was doing. I quickly apologized to the young lady, who honestly wasn't fazed and I think she knew what was going on, despite the fact I explained my situation previously. 

We didn't connect but that was okay. I remember coming home after that, hoping she would not be there. She indeed was there, and quite furious. I heard a mouthful from her that day, dodged heavy objects and took a couple blows. Let's not forget by this time,I am hitting back. Although it wasn't fruitful, I tried at least and that night, I laid in bed crying and alone. 

I remember going downstairs that night, grabbed a bottle of prescription pills and attempted suicide. This is not the first time during the entirety of this virulent relationship. I don't remember how many pills I took, I do remember the darkness, and feeling sick before the darkness came. I found myself on the floor, with her banging on the door, yelling at me to come out. She was aware of what I had done, yet she had the unwillingness to take me to the hospital. 

Following day, well it went like normal for her. She treated me like nothing had happened, which was not uncommon. She would start talking about work, and her new prospects, while I sat there with a blank expression, absolute numbness. For that moment, I felt defeated. I felt like the effort I was putting in as a single person, working and volunteering was of no worth.

Something, someone or greater energy believed that I deserved more and I found my way back to my path. I did try to date again. Learned my lesson, this time I would make sure that she wouldn't be around. I would make it a priority that if I did get picked up it wouldn't be at that house. I did go on a date again, different young lady, it was lame, but a pretty funny story for maybe another time. Somewhere between the last date and this date, my ex found someone to focus on, this gave me such great opportunities to do as I pleased. 

I would work, go to school, Friday's would go out to the bar, and would flirt. Deciding during this time, I myself deserved to feel wanted. Went onto craigslist and put out a listing in their dating section listed as casual encounters. Yep, I was gonna pull that trigger. I got plenty of responses, mostly men, although it was explicitly for women, butch women, and was posted on the women only listings. I got plenty of femmes, flattering but not what I wanted. A couple butches, which felt amazing. 

The first one, well that didn't work out once I mentioned that I have kids and would have to work around that kind of schedule and would never be at my place. She was gone, so fast, I get it, I honestly did. It did make me laugh. The other though, the other butch, she had stood out, it's weird to say something about that email got me intrigued. She was understanding of my situation, which I needed. We exchanged emails, got to know each other and what was to be one thing turned out to be another.

I did tell my ex that I was going to date this person, I made it very explicit that she wasn't going to interfere. She doesn't have a say on what happens, what I will be doing or how I will be feeling. I did face quite a few arguments but reminded her that this isn't up to her anymore.

During emails, eventually we did set some time up to date. She didn't live in Phoenix or Glendale but would be making trips down to the valley to do some business. We would text daily, email, and even at one point, she surprised me with a call at my job. I find myself in complete bliss. I knew my ex noticed it, I was always happy, and paid no mind to her and her bitchiness. 

She actually got to meet her, I remember that day quite well. Before she had met her, I had been having such awful toothaches, this new woman that I was talking to offered to bring me something to help with my pain. So she said she could meet up at a local store where I was at and drop it off. I still remember seeing her passing through the aisle towards me standing in front of the dairy aisle with my ex as we shopped for groceries. That smile, I tell you, that smile she had could melt my heart in the coldest of days. 

I'm pretty sure I hugged her, I think I introduced her to my ex, (believe me I didn't want to do this, but it was in my best interest if i did,) and I still remember that smell of her cologne. She handed the clove oil for my toothache and left. Ugh that was so bittersweet. While this happened, I remember listening to my ex, "She smells really good." Thinking to myself, yes she did, she absolutely did. I do believe I told her that she was nothing for her to attempt to try and take from me. She isn't an object but she isn't hers to manipulate.

My ex was seeing others, which I would encourage her to do. I told her often she deserved to find someone who could please her. She didn't know that, this wasn't for her, this encouragement was completely selfish, completely for me, to make it easier for me to leave. For a while now, I've been saving money she knew nothing about, and when I got my job, I lied about how much I was making. I even had my own bank account and credit cards without her name attached. All part of a complicated, yet simple plan.

I continued to date that single woman. As time passed, which was short, my ex became jealous and even more bitter. She forced herself on me, and although I didn't want to, that fear that still I held deeply in me made me subservient. I failed to push her away and off of me. My thoughts of losing this new woman, that I longed for, became more relevant. It got to the point where she wanted to meet her and to talk to her. And she did, I gave in, I hated myself for allowing that. My ex proceeded to tell her what had happened, making it sound like I did it willingly, which made this woman upset. 

We ended up not talking for a while, and during this time, I cried. I loathed my ex for the shit she had done to me. I told my mom about it, about this wonderful woman I met and I still remember her saying, "fix it." I did reach out to her, I didn't give her details, I couldn't give her details. I was too worrisome of the outcome of telling her the truth of the household I was living in. We did make up after that, but when I came home from making up with her. I came home to what would be the last week or was it two, in that house.

She made my life a living hell during that time, with her knowing that she didn't win. I knew I was falling fast and hard for this woman, and I'm sure my ex was aware of this as well. I still remember telling her mother that I was tired of her daughter beating on me, I was tired of her acting like she owned me and I made it as crystal clear as possible to her that I was not with her daughter and had not been with her for quite some time. This made her mother talk to her, my ex and told her that one of us had to move out. I was given some time to move. Figure out where I was going to go. Remember she still has guardianship of my kids so it's mainly me leaving. 

One day, while I slept on the couch downstairs, I didn't realize she had gone downstairs quietly. She was sneaking into my phone and had begun to read through my texts between the woman I was seeing and I. I woke up to her kicking me in the ribs and stomach, I remember that sharp pain as I gasped for air. I remember all the slurs, and name calling. Calling me a slut, worthless piece of shit, and telling me that no one would love me like she loved me. We fought, we fought for a while. At one point, I did end up grappling her down, stopping each of those blows she was giving me and I proceeded to choke her. Crying so hard that I could barely see and yelling at her.

My line, my line had been stepped on. My heart could no longer take the pain she was causing me, my mind and soul already broken, couldn't shatter anymore and I used those shards to rip into her like she would rip into me. I remember her lips beginning to turn blue and that moment of reality hitting me. If I finish this, if I do what I am about to do, I will lose everything that I have worked hard to get to. I pulled my hands from her chest, still grappling her, keeping her from swinging at me. Listening to her yell at me, telling me to just do it, to just finish it. 

I got off of her, I remember telling her that I wouldn't be her. I wouldn't do what she had done to me those many years. I grabbed a bag, packed it with some of my personal belongings and important documents. And I called that wonderful woman that I kept thinking about that went side by side with the thoughts of my children. I had to leave them. Oh my god, I had to leave them with her. All I wanted to do was take them with me, but I knew this fight wasn't over.

I moved in with my mom, back in my old room. Continue to work, and go to school. I'm unable to volunteer as often but still am active. Still seeing that wonderful woman during this difficult time, and she only had a bit of insight into what was going on. I started my paperwork to dissolve temporary guardianship, I was visiting the kids as often as I was allowed to. Tried to visit when she was working. One of those days, I went over and she was there. Trying to get me to talk to her, to forgive her. She began to pull me, and eventually, I apologized to the kids and had to go. She followed me almost all the way to the bus stop, yelling at me, slut shaming me, doing whatever she could to get a reaction from me. 

I had to walk away, with court papers already in place, I couldn't jeopardize this process. This gave the push to see if I could expedite the temporary guardianship. It worked, I got a court date. She had to follow and I was terrified of what the reaction may be. This whole time this woman I was dating was still there during all of this. She went to court with me, my mother went and so did one of my brothers. Temporary guardianship was terminated and once court was over, we headed to the car, where she would try to intercept me. With the woman I am dating getting me into her car and closing the door. I remember hearing her ask the woman I was dating if she could talk to me, or at least that's what I thought I could hear. It honestly was hard to hear over my own heart beat.

I was safe. I got my kids. Now I had to get what belongings I could get, my cat, and of course my kids. My kids, they were no longer going to have to be with her. Or have to deal with her. Well at least I thought so. One of my brothers helped the kids get to school in the mornings, my mom was super supportive. Still dating this one woman. Going to work, school. Little did I know that my ex was passing by the house. She started going to my job. She was causing problems for me at school.

I was lucky enough that the school changed our schedule, but she would still try to disturb me. I changed from one job to another, she still showed up there. Ended up quitting that job. Got offered my job back at the jewelry kiosk but a higher position at a different location. I took the offer. Higher pay, same hours, and as an Assistant Manager. Quite honored to get this role. I was offered this because of my record with sales and my customer service. 

I was happy for so many reasons for this opportunity, to start with, my ex didn't know where I worked. It was the beginning of me being who I wanted to be. Going to school, working, saving money. During this time I was working on saving some money so I could find an apartment with my kids. After all that's said done, my parade would be rained on 

While I lived with my mom, she would drive past my mom's house. She got an opportunity to see the kids, but that shortly would become a bad idea. She learned where I worked and eventually did show up at my job. This prompted my girlfriend to say that that was enough. She told me to go home, pack what stuff I can and the kids and I would move up North. Middle of the night, leaving to come to Northern Arizona. 

So many plans derailed, and at the same time new ones coming to fruition. I will save the rest for another time. So much to write. I wish I could write all and so much more.